Edo Mew Mew
by TouNiiSan
Summary: After a discussion about the title, the title has changed to reflect a better taste. Semi-crack. Will be put on a hiatus due to work on other stories.
1. Introduction

A/N: For me to do this kind of fanfic, involving a show with very low-brow humor, and a manga/anime for young girls, I must be clinically insane.

* * *

"Oi, can someone tell me why we skipped the introduction?" asked a man with a natural silver perm.

"Because this isn't the anime," answered a black-haired teenager with glasses.

"But there still has to be a proper introduction. If there isn't an introduction, the story won't sound good. So why isn't there one?" responded the man with a natural perm.

"If you really want to know, ask the person who wrote us into this fanfiction in the first place," answered the teenager with glasses again.

"Come to think of it," the perm-head said thinking about it while reading his Weekly JUMP. "Oi, fanfiction writer, use our names properly. You're identifying us by our hairstyle and it's really rude. Do you think I wanted this perm?"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall already," Kagura said angrily. "Gintama ratings have dropped again and we need to add improvements again!"

"To begin with," Gintoki said. "How about we have a crossover with some other anime?"

"Gin-san, we've done that way too many times-"

There was a knock on the door to the Yorozuya. Gintoki, Shinpachi, Kagura, and even Sadaharu, sat up to the uncommon sound. They had a customer in their freelance business. A customer after-

"Oi, don't mention how long it's been since we had our last client or we'll really go out of business."

Gintoki, Shinpachi, and Kagura walked over to the door and opened it.

"Hey," a man with long brown hair tied into a ponytail said.

The three all sat up. No longer were they paying attention to the indescribable murmurings of the fanfiction writer.

"Do you do alien exterminations?" he asked politely.

"Yeah, sure," was the JUMP obsessee's answer. "What's the payment?"

The brown haired man opened up a briefcase. The three looked closer and gasped.

"We're a bit short of personal, so-"

"Deal!" all three yelled simultaneously.

Seconds later, the giant white dog's mouth closed instantly upon the client's head.

* * *

A/N: Sorry for the short introduction. The resulting chapters may be longer...if I ever find the time. As with some of my other fanfics, this is also subject to change without notice.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Ah, I forgot to mention in the introduction. Tokyo Mew Mew belongs to Ikumi Mia and Gintama belongs to Sorachi Hideaki.

Gintoki: Oi, isn't this unlucky for us? The introduction had exactly 444 words, one 4 for each of the Yorozuya. Does that mean that the Yorozuya are going to die?

Kagura: Gin-chan, you forgot Sadaharu.

Gintoki: The 4 may mean something different in Sadaharu's language. In Japanese, 4 signifies death, one 4 for each of the Yorozuya, minus Sadaharu.

Kagura: Or it could just be Karma infecting your rotten mind for trying to infect a K-rated series.

Gintoki: If that is the case, then blame the author for putting our rotten minds into this pure world.

Enter Shinpachi. Nobody moves.

Gintoki: What is with the Shakespearean language above?

Shinpachi: Oh, that is simply an indicator of how degenerate the author's sense of humor has degraded while writing at 12:30 AM.

A/N: In any case, on with the episode- I mean, chapter.

Exuent all.

**

* * *

People who Look Alike are Prone to Act Very Differently**

"The leader of our alien extermination squad, Ichigo, is rather busy with work at the café and work at her school at the same time." Akasaka Keiichiro, the brown-haired man said, head swathed in bandages, driving his car into the peaceful town.

Gintoki nodded, seemingly content, but inside, he knew that something was not right. Ichigo was supposed to be in Hueco Mundo fighting hollows. How is he going to get the time to fight aliens, work at a café, and do schoolwork? Not even Kubo could come up with a solution for the noble orange-haired shinigami.

Shinpachi and Kagura took note of their surroundings the same time Gintoki was assessing the inside. Outside, there was not a single trace of Amanto anywhere. No dog heads, no cheetah heads, no bird-faces – well, except for the one over there with the hooked nose and barely any mouth. But the point was that there were only humans here, walking the streets calmly.

"Ah, here we are," Keiichiro said, parking the car and opening the door for them. "Welcome to Café Mew Mew."

"What the-" Gintoki managed to squeeze out.

"Sure doesn't look like the Host Club," Shinpachi said. None of the Yorozuya was very impressed. The building was rather small, that much could be appreciated, but was flashy and pink, with heart-shaped windows and decorations all over. It looked like a castle from a little girl's dream. Not only that, but in this bright sunlight, it _sparkled_. The whole Armstrong family plus the Cullen family would've been out-sparkled by the flashiness of the building.

"Do people equate girls with the color pink?" Kagura asked, clearly offended.

"Gin-san, do you really think that this is a good idea?" Shinpachi asked. "They might be kidnappers."

"Ridiculous, Shinpachi, _kidnappers_ using a building like _this_ for a _hideout_?" Gintoki scoffed, and stopped suddenly to consider Shinpachi's claim. _It makes sense. Ichigo would never have the dignity to use a base like this for a hideout. At the very least, make it look like an ordinary house or even a warehouse protected by one of Ushoda Hachigen's barriers! How the heck is anybody supposed to fight coming back to a base looking like _this_? It would be instant death and embarrassment!_

"Don't worry Shinpachi," Kagura said. "The minute we get in there, we cause as much havoc as we possibly can and free the children."

"No, no, Kagura," Gintoki said. "We barge inside right here right now-"

"Before we get started with the extermination procedures, do you want something to eat?"

"Really?!" Kagura was ecstatic. "What do you have? I'll have some rice with udon if I can-"

"Ah, we are terribly sorry but, we only sell sweets."

"Okay, I'm in." The samurai with the silver perm walked in.

"Oi! What are you doing?!" Shinpachi nearly yelled. "You got taken in that easily?!"

"Shinpachi, this is a once-in-every-fifty-years chance for free food." Gintoki said. "Are you sure you don't want to come?"

"But still-"

Shinpachi's two companions disappeared.

"Oi! Get back here!"

* * *

"Welcome to Café Mew Mew. Please wait to be seated." A green-haired girl with glasses said as she seated the customers. "Ah! Akasaka-san, are you okay?! What happened?"

"...just an accident, that's all." Keiichiro still managed to maintain that smile underneath his bandages, though hoped inside that Sadaharu's damages weren't permanent.

As the Yorozuya waited, another group was already inside the not-as-equally-gaudy interior.

"Group" here, is an overstatement, for there were only two members of the group. Both sat next to each other, one with black, needle-like hair and the eyes of a killer, and the other with smoother, sand-colored hair and red, emotionless eyes.

"Hijikata-san, please explain why we are in a gaudy restaurant like this to begin with." Okita said in his usual deadpan tone.

"Sougo, didn't you listen?" Hijikata asked, even more irritated now without the usual cigarette in his mouth. "There are alien terrorists in this place and the Shogunate has requested us to deal with it accordingly. Neither shipment nor Amanto has been able to pass by peacefully since. Each one that appears gets blasted in a fatal attempt to escape."

"Hijikata-san, you may be the next one that gets blasted in a fatal attempt to escape."

"What was that? Do you want to commit seppuku for threatening a superior officer?"

"Please state your order," a purple-haired waitress said coldly as she approached their table.

"About time," Hijikata muttered. He said aloud. "Mayonnaise."

"Hijikata-san, I don't think that they sell dog food in this place."

"Please state your order," the waitress said again, irate, "As in one that appears on the menu."

"See, Hijikata-san, I told you they don't have your favorite dog food in this place."

"What?! You want to say that to my face, you ba$7ard?!"

"Oogushi-kun, I don't think you should be using a word like that in a K-rated story." Gintoki interrupted, while he and the rest of the Yorozuya were being led to their seats. "Don't you see how it's censored? From now on, the story is rated T, just to be safe."

"Do you know them? They seem familiar." Kagura noted.

"Nope, apparently not," Shinpachi said, evidently not wanting to be recognized in Café Mew Mew. "They are just bystanders who claim to recognize us."

"I'm not Oogushi-kun! And what are you three doing here?!"

"Order, please." The girl was now becoming more irritated and was at the border dividing irritation and anger. Meanwhile, the Yorozuya had ordered their meals, which took up five pages in the mini-notebook the poor blue-haired waitress held in her hand as she tried to write them down. Finally, the girl left, feeling relieved that the list had ended.

"Wait," Hijikata looked at the menu and scanned it, an anger vein becoming more apparent as he did. Everything on there was something _sweet_; reminding him of a particular silver-perm guy he wished to forget now and especially now, while he had to deal with this sadistic guy to prevent him from trashing the place and making little girls cry. Unfortunately, the said silver-perm guy was at the table directly to their left, while the sadistic guy was already holding his knife as though it was a pen and the tablecloth a page of a Death Note.

He didn't order anything. He really didn't. His mouth did it for him as he mouthed out "blueberry surprise".

"Very well," and the waitress walked away. Okita looked at Hijikata, fingering the knife he now hid underneath his table.

_Goodbye, Hijikata-san._ He thought. _Forgive me, but you are now just one less nephew and brother-in-law I would have a chance of getting._

He would've stabbed the knife straight into the area between Hijikata Toshiro's legs; had not a wooden sword flew threw the air and hit the head of the waitress who just served them. Both Shinsengumi officers immediately turned to look, at the silver perm samurai, who now walked over and retrieved his sword from the girl's head, which now bled like a fountain.

"Oi, stalker masochist ninja, you really disgust me, following me all the way to an embarrassing place like this with no shame. What is it this time?"

The girl got up indignantly, her eyes with as much killing intent as a wolf's. She was trying to restrain herself from striking out at the silver-perm samurai. Nearby, at the Employees Only door, another girl was restrained by two others as she also tried to attack them. Shinpachi took a look. It was the same girl who served them earlier.

"Ah, you must be looking for your glasses." Kagura picked up on Gintoki's conversation and was now searching underneath tables. "Don't worry; they're probably under some table somewhere."

"Gin-san, I think we should probably go. She's looking right at you…" Shinpachi now turned his attention to the girl getting up and shaking nearly uncontrollably in anger.

"Nonsense, Shinpachi, she's – oi, wait. She is looking right at me. Because when I move left and right, she has no problem following. And I think _she_ is a _he_."

"Don't just randomly assume things of other waitresses!"

"No, I am serious. That look of seriousness can only belong to one person. Zura, if you are going to show up in a cosplay or something, at least keep your hair color and pretend to be a guy."

"Gin-chan has gone blind," Kagura was looking at the waitress's legs. "These thin legs can only belong to a woman."

"And don't thin your legs for something like this Zura."

"Zura ja nai, Katsura da."

Gintoki froze and turned around, to meet his old, black-haired Joi friend right here in this shop. Standing right next to him was a thing in a white duck-looking costume.

"Thing in a white duck-looking costume ja nai, Elizabeth da."

The writer stands corrected. Standing right next to him was Elizabeth.

And Gintoki turned around again to look at the waitress, and back at Zura – ahem – Katsura.

"Gin-san, I think you just hit a famous idol." Shinpachi whispered.

"Please do not impose physical harm of any kind to our staff," Keiichiro came back again. "And your meal is served."

A large stack of dishes piled with sweet things sat on their table. At once, before the waitress they harmed could attack, leave, comment, etc. Gintoki and Kagura dove at once into the dishes, crashing into the pile as they shoved the pastries, cakes, and pies into their mouths. Everyone stopped and turned to look at the two.

Now the one to walk up to them now was not Keiichiro, but a boy with blond hair and blue eyes who seemed around Shinpachi's age.

"Hmm, judging from the costs in damage and food, your total cost is -" He stopped, as Gintoki was now about a hundred meters outside the door, dragging Kagura and Shinpachi through the air as he ran.

* * *

A/N: I do not mean to trash any character in either series. This is probably what would happen if something like this were to happen.

Yes, as Gintoki said earlier, blame my rotten mind for crossing over these two series.

This story is subject to editorial changes. Please review.


	3. Chapter 2

A/N: Alright, I've finally updated this story, after some thought on how this should flesh out.

Gintoki: Unfortunately, this is just one story that you can't leave hanging.

A/N: Correct.

**

* * *

Seiyu Should Be Careful About Who They Voice**

"Keiichiro, who were they?" Shirogane Ryou asked his friend.

"Ah, they're the extra men you asked for after seeing them on the internet."

Ryou was at a loss for words. Everyone present in the café was dead silent. No words that could be spoken by a child could describe the scene that happened one chapter ago.

No words that could be spoken by a child could describe the scene that was about to come.

* * *

"KUSO!!! OUR ONE CHANCE OF FREE FOOD AND THEY EXTORT US!!!" Gintoki yelled, running into the park. "WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PAYMENT IN THE SUITCASE? IS THIS JUST AN EXTORTION ATTEMPT TO PROMOTE THEIR RESTAURANT?!!!"

"THIS IS GIN-CHAN'S FAULT!" Kagura screamed. "HE ORDERED THAT MUCH SWEETS AND CAUSED US EVEN MORE MONEY!!!"

"_COST _US, KAGURA-CHAN!" Shinpachi evidently did not like being heavy enough to hit the dirt. "AND IT WAS YOUR FAULT FOR HITTING FUJIWARA ZAKURO IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!"

"DON'T SPOIL _REBORN!_ FOR ME SHINPACHI!!! THEY HAVEN'T REVEALED HIS LAST NAME YET!"

"NOT THAT ZAKURO, IDIOT!"

"SHINPACHI IS AN OTAKU!" Kagura yelled out randomly.

"NO I AM NOT!!!"

Gintoki suddenly crashed into what looked like a giant fish but contained demonic features that would make it not a fish. Hence, it shall be referred to as a fish but not a fish.

"Oi, isn't this just a multi-anime crossover?" the silver perm samurai asked. "This is a multi-anime crossover, is it? Why is something from Fullmetal Alchemist standing in front of me like this? Is this what they meant by 'alien extermination'?"

"Yes it is, Gin-san! Hurry up and kill it!"

"You know, there is a possibility that it is a heavily deformed Amanto and that its mother abandoned it on the streets and it turned out like this after eating some waste from the trash."

"I am absolutely certain this time that it is NOT an Amanto!"

"Well, it's a fish, but it's not a fish. Wait a minute! Make up your mind! Are you a fish or are you not a fish?!"

The fish but not a fish jumped towards them mouth gaping wide, only to be shot down by Kagura's umbrella. A floating figure exited the body of the now-only-a-fish. Kagura kicked it to the other side of the pond.

"You know, Kagura," Gintoki said. "We could've taken that and sold it for some good money. The aliens know how to work these things and we would be rich for making a new organic discovery."

"Gin-chan is so corrupt," Kagura shot back. "If I did that then everyone would become deformed."

All reacted to the ripples in the air behind them. Within the air appeared three unusual men who looked like characters from a fantasy RPG: pointed ears, Asian/European clothes, and abnormal skin tone all put together.

"So this is them, right?" the medium-sized one with the dark green hair and the two tails down the sides of his head asked.

"I still don't believe that they would send three humans to combat us," the tall one with the braid down the side of his head said.

"Oh well, we can kill them easily," the short one said. "This is just some easy job for us."

None of the three were surprised however.

"You've been expecting us as well?" the tall one asked. "Come to think of it, I think I've seen some of you before…"

* * *

"Do you know where they are?" Ryou asked as he followed the rest of the five Mews.

"I can hear them, they're not far ahead," Ichigo replied. She and the rest of the Mews had already transformed.

And they rushed to the edge of a lake, where they did find the three that they contracted. Also with the three, however, were three faces that the Mews especially did not want to see.

* * *

"Ne, koneko-chan," Kish, the medium-sized one, said, smiling down at the leader of the Mews. "Why don't you ditch that boy of yours for me sometime, huh?"

"Ne, Shinpachi-kun," Gintoki said, looking up at the alien with his dead fish eyes. "Why are you still going after cat women, huh? I thought it was over after that one _Densha Otoko_ episode. Are you depressed over her or something?"

"Who's Shinpachi-kun?" Kish asked, though his voice still had tinges of the straight man's voice. "Isn't he the guy standing next to you?"

"That's true, but your voice is unmistakably Shinpachi-kun's."

"Oi! I'm right here!" Shinpachi shouted, in his own voice.

"Yeah, he's right there!" Kish yelled. "Don't tell me you can't even recognize your own teammate!"

"I'm not blind, I know he's Shinpachi," Gintoki said again. "But I'm not sure if you're not. You share the same voice, different sounding, but still the same voice."

"How would you know that?! The voices are completely different!" Both Shinpachi and Kish shouted. However, only Shinpachi's voice sounded.

"See? That proves my point. They won't even record the voice twice for something like this. That's how cheap they are in regards to fanfiction like this that can't earn them money." Gintoki said. "Oh, and let me add one thing, did you know that Sakaguchi Daisuke was called the 'real Shinpachi' by Sorachi-sensei?"

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Kish asked.

"That means," Gintoki said as he held his bokuto at Shinpachi's neck. "You don't know whether or not that's the real Sakaguchi Daisuke, who also happens to be _your_ seiyu! If I kill him right here, you will no longer be able to input voice commands!"

"This means," Retasu said. "Shinpachi-kun over there is Kish?"

"In voice, yes," Gintoki answered.

"You can't possibly kill him with a bokuto, can you?" Kish laughed at Gintoki's pathetic hostage attempt.

"Well, I won't know until I try, will I?" Gintoki asked. "So what will it be, will you stick with the good voice you have now, or will you sacrifice this guy and get another voice."

Kish seemed stuck for a moment. Then resolution shone in his eyes.

"You must be a complete idiot to use your own guy as a hostage!" Kish yelled, brandishing his sai as he struck at the silver-perm samurai. "Seiyu or not, I can always get another one!"

Gintoki, however, smirked. "Baka…" A few slashes from the bokuto downed the alien.

"He downed Kish so easily!" Ichigo was baffled, "But how?"

"I don't know, Ichigo, maybe he's just that powerful…" Minto answered, afraid.

"Ichigo?!" Gintoki was shocked. "You have got to be kidding me! _This_ is the Ichigo you were referring to? I thought it'd be Kurosaki Ichigo, the shinigami, not some girl named Ichigo in a shojo manga!"

"If you're looking for that Ichigo, he's over there," Fujiwara Zakuro pointed into the horizon, as a black-robed figure cut down a hollow, which then disintegrated into spiritual particles.

"Now I understand where I've seen you before," Pie, the tall alien, now noticed the connection. "You are the samurai whose name struck fear into the hearts of every Amanto, the Joi conservative known as the _Shiroyasha_!"

* * *

"Shiroyasha?" Shirogane Ryou was surprised. "To think that someone as powerful as that started up his own Freelancer company…"

"Who is he? I've never heard of him." Ichigo said.

"Aliens invaded this place some twenty years ago," Ryou answered. "The reason you don't see them much now is because they strayed away from this place, since ships flying over would get shot down by these aliens here. I learned about it only recently, as they usually stay in their planets or go to the parts that remained Edo to modernize that. Years ago, near the end of the war, the Joi acted up and with their few samurai, they caused much trouble. The overwhelming numbers forced most into hiding though."

"So what will you do?" Gintoki asked, with killer instinct in his eyes. "I am deprived of my sweets now and really need some cake to calm down. On top of that, you're just three Amanto and I've killed hundreds, no, _thousands_, before. You don't stand a chance."

"Amanto?" Pie asked, loathing in his eyes, "Don't compare us to those imperialist thieves. They came over to our planet, our nutrition-deprived planet, requesting our assistance to conquer the other planets and add to their Amanto league, and now, when we've offered our assistance and demanded some payment, they turn their backs on us and leave us to die in the dust. Both of us may be aliens to this world, but we hate the Amanto as well. We ask for your assistance in wiping out that race from this planet and then we can resume battle with the Mew Mews."

"Assistance?" Gintoki was not amused. "A mentally-challenged guy in a wig asked me that sort of thing countless times. I would've sided with him by now if I took up on that offer, but I didn't, so what makes me think that I'd like to side with you?"

"Mentally-challenged guy in a wig ja nai, Katsura da," the leader of the Joi responded as he arrived with Elizabeth in tow.

"That was the Joi," Pai tried to reason further, unmindful of Katsura. "You had a falling out with them, didn't you?"

"With their views, yes," Gintoki had reverted back to his dead fish eyes. "The Amanto are nothing more than just gloomy foreigners, and now, I'm going with the flow while doing what I want, which is why I run the Yorozuya now."

"In that case, if you refuse to cooperate with us, we'll kidnap the girl you have with you," Pie said calmly, "Tart!"

Tart disappeared and appeared behind Kagura, who lost no time in shooting her leg upward and kicking the alien between the legs, downing him. She then proceeded to mount him and attack him furiously.

"KUSO GAKI!!!" Kagura screamed as she pounded Tart's face with the strength of sledgehammer blows. "KIDNAP ME, WILL YOU?!!! YOU ROTTEN PASTRY MADE BY AZUSAGAWA YUKINO!!! I'LL BEAT YOU INTO THE DOUGH YOU WERE MADE FROM AND HAVE AZUMA KAZUMA KNEAD YOU INTO _ALIEN JA-PAN_!!! THEN I'LL EAT IT WITH THE RICE AND SUKONBU AND SAVOR EVERY BITE TO CAUSE YOU MAXIMUM PAIN!!! BWOHOHOHO!!!"

Every character from _Tokyo Mew Mew_ present gaped at the sort of damage that happened to Taruto. By the time Kagura calmed down, Taruto was now a censored bloody mass that needed no further description.

"Oi, Kagura-chan," Shinpachi said, speechless. "Did you just create a new species of alien?"

"At the cost of the life of an old one," Gintoki answered for her.

"Look Gin-chan," Kagura said as she kneaded the bloody mass, "All we need to do is bake this thing and we have alien Ja-pan!"

"No," Gintoki said, mortified. "That would be called tart-pan, a combination of the buttery tart and the soft bread."

"Tch, looks like we're at a disadvantage, I didn't think that the dreaded Yato race would be here too," Pie grimaced, taking Kish under his arm and grabbing the bloody mass that was once Tart. "We'll be back, Shiroyasha and Mew Mews."

He disappeared, leaving the Yorozuya and Tokyo Mew Mew at the edge of the lake.

"Well," Ichigo said. "We'd like some explanations."

"We would too," Shinpachi replied.

"Gin-chan, I still have a piece of the alien dough!" Kagura said cheerfully, holding a bloody, censored piece. "And we found Kurosaki Ichigo!"

"That was probably a cosplayer, because humans can't see spirits," Gintoki said dismally, "Though if you take into account the fact that I'm the Shiroyasha and they're animal-human hybrids, then that would make sense. We need more Ichigo in this. And put that thing away, Kagura, it smells."

* * *

A/N: References: Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite, _Fullmetal Alchemist _belongs to Arakawa Hiromu, _Reborn!_ or _Katekyo Hitman Reborn! _belongs to Akira Amano, _Yakitate! Japan_ belongs to Hashiguchi Takashi, and _Densha Otoko_ belongs to Hitori Nakano and Hidenori Hara .

I apologize for the stupid seiyu joke if you were displeased or not pleased by it.

What sort of reaction will the tart-pan result in? And how far downhill will this fanfiction slide?


	4. Chapter 3

**Life is more interesting when you swipe your cards up the slide**

"That was a chimera anima." Ryou finished explaining.

"Are you sure you aren't just ripping it off of Fullmetal Alchemist?" Gintoki asked. Naturally, he found it all very suspicious. After all, this was the 21st century, and the chimeras of the Elric brothers' times were 20th century chimeras fighting their government to give birth to 21st century chimeras. He sat on the floor, casually picking his nose and now wondering whether some Tyrannosaurus chimera was the source of the inspirational music by which the other 20th century chimeras followed.

Needless to say, Ryou and the other Mew Mews found very off-putting. This twenty two year-old naturally silver-permed samurai was now wondering if killing the chimeras would turn them into savage demons that could only be stopped by spiritually-enhanced swords. "Well," he concluded, "Biological demons in our world _are_ preferable to spiritual demons in the other world."

"Just listen," Momomiya Ichigo growled.

"Right," Ryou continued. He had wasted a good ten minutes observing a twenty two year-old naturally silver-permed samurai pick his nose and think about dinosaurs and vampire squirrels. "Aliens infect animals' bodies, and turn them into vicious beasts- what is it?"

The sight of a samurai raising his hand like an innocent little boy was disturbing, enough to make Ryou wonder if the twenty two year-old naturally silver-permed samurai sitting before him at the moment lacked growth hormones. The fact that the pale orange-haired Chinese girl was imitating him and Pudding was imitating the Chinese girl didn't help the situation.

"Is it something like this, Shirogane-sensei?" Gintoki asked, forming his left index finger and thumb into a circle and threading the index finger of his right hand through the circle.

"NO IT ISN'T!" Shinpachi yelled. "And why such a perverted method of explaining things in a rated-K fanfiction?"

"Shinpachi, it's rated-T," Kagura corrected.

"I don't want to hear that from a girl who's being innocently corrupted by the very anime that she comes from!" Shinpachi retorted.

"Then why join? We could have left you to do the housework, Shinpachi-kun," Gintoki said.

"I agreed to be in this fanfiction because it was a chance for all of us to be normal! And the stuff you're doing is definitely _rated M_!"

"Shinpachi-kun, why are you disturbing Shirogane-sensei's class? Go outside and lift a few buckets or something."

"Yeah, Shinpachi!" Kagura shouted. "Go outside and lift a few girl's butts! And then come back and be a macho man!"

"THAT'S _COMPLETELY DIFFERENT_ FROM WHAT GIN-SAN JUST SAID- GHACK!" The yellow haired human girl put him into a headlock.

"Shinpachi-kun should be quieter, or else the aliens will come after us and blow up our bases!" Pudding shouted. After a few more minutes of choking, Shinpachi was reduced to a psychologically broken mess on the floor.

"Anyway, sensei, I think the chimera anima is related to the Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon." Gintoki continued.

"Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon?" Ryou asked.

"It was a weapon of mass destruction that required several battalions of soldiers to raid the armed mansion of the four Ovalian lords." Gintoki summarized. "It was a diversion so that the cannon could extend to its full length and fire away!

"There was one legendary warrior called Gatsuga Giogio, or simply Gatsu by his allies. Gatsu fought through the inhospitable environment of the mansion, which included burning hot air that would ignite the sparks of his sword, and muddy swamps that could slow Armstrong's bike to walking speed! Many of his comrades died along the way, but in Gatsu was the idea that he had to be a man and survive like one! In the end, Gatsu, the Gatsuga Giogio that was sent by the Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong cannon, broke through the wall of the armed mansion himself! He ran his sword straight through one of the lords, and victory seemed in place. And then, the cannon fired, but Gatsu couldn't get out of the way in time. But while the dead bodies of the four Ovalian lords could be found, nobody could find the body of the heroic Gatsu. They found only his sword; no other allies survived."

"You make a good point. Let me search it up," Ryou said, and turned to his Moogle search engine on the computer.

He wished he never said those words. Midorikawa Retasu covered – or at least tried to cover – Fong Pudding's innocent eyes upon witnessing the might of the cannon. Not that her own eyes were much less innocent than her friend's eyes, but she was still traumatized by the incarnation of the pure might that had been produced from the genius of men.

* * *

"Hello, worthless-strawberry-milk-loving samurai."

"Hey, it's you again- wait…who were you again?"

"Don't tell me that you don't remember who I am."

"No, I remember the kid and the tree-man but not you."

"Are you just spiting me by any chance?"

"Why would I want to spite on aliens? I come from a land where aliens are populated. Just go in; trust me, nobody would take a second glance. You can get all the anpan and vanilla ice cream you want."

"I'm asking how you don't know me!"

"You sound differently than before, Zoro, oh wait, maybe you're Masamune Date…"

"Are you blind? Can you distinguish me only by the sound of my voice?"

"No. You may have sounded like Shinpachi earlier, but I just can't look at you. It may look like I'm looking at you but this is a fanfiction, not an anime or manga. The writer didn't put your description in, so I can't see you at all."

"You can't hear things from a fanfiction either!"

"I've downloaded an audio book version of it. It costs only negative 500 yen. I would get other audio book versions of it too, but it's one copy per person."

"Who would want an audio book of a bad fanfiction like this?"

"It costs _negative 500 yen_: free money! Its first day sold more than Uwe Boll's combined ticket sales, even for the ones where he's beating up other directors because they're equal to or less than him! Honestly though, if you want my opinion, get a different voice actor, preferably one who sounds like a whiny Donald Duck with a cold-"

"Why would ANYONE want a voice that sounds like that? More like what director would put a character with that kind of voice in an anime?"

"Only two: Walt Disney and a backwards-aging fairy. Disney can send Donald Duck to Naziland to screw the tops of shells and a backwards-aging fairy is a backwards-aging fairy so it can do anything."

"Grrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaa_aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhh_! I've had it with you! You don't know that while we were chatting here, I've released a bunch of chimera anima into the city!"

"Yare yare daze, 'good grief'. If the city was that easy to bring down, then the Amanto would have vaporized it and built their stuff all over without leaving the old city behind. Nothing built by the hands of the human spirit can fall down so easily."

* * *

The stone-lion-looking Sadaharu rampaged around the city, crashing into skyscraper after skyscraper in his path.

_What did that lion eat to become this abomination again?_ Elizabeth held up its sign.

"I don't know, Elizabeth," Katsura answered. "I saw it eat some pink, glowing fruit. The tall alien said it was some 'Para Para no Mi' or something and the dog bit it. He's there nursing the injury to his hand and can't get close, because he's turning into a parasol, so our only enemy is the dog."

Elizabeth started to look around frantically. There was absolutely nobody around except Shinpachi and-

"Oi! I'm here too darn it! And help me get Hasegawa-san out of this rubble!" Shinpachi shouted.

Elizabeth turned back to its owner and drew his notice to the thin skeleton of a sunglasses and golden watch wearing man trapped beneath some rubble on the floor.

"Of course, Elizabeth!" Katsura exclaimed. "To fight a hungry dog, you must enlist the service of another hungry dog. You are a genius!"

Katsura reached his hand into his sleeve. Slowly and surely, he fumbled among the bombs he stored in his hammerspace robe and took out an oddly-shaped pink roll.

"I secretly took this from Kagura because I thought it could be a potential Joui weapon." Katsura said. "Now would be a good time to test it out. Here you go, Madao!"

And Hasegawa Taizo, homeless from day after day without adequate food and water, jumped out of the rubble up and bit into the bread like a dog.

The bread's flavor exploded his mouth and he underwent a transformation. His muscles inflated like balloons until the shabby clothes he wore ruptured, leaving him in a loincloth. The messy hair on his head grew longer and his beard hairs started to fall off. The golden watch burst off of his wrist and the sunglasses fell from his face, to reveal two large, fierce eyes.

"What has he become?" Shinpachi screamed. "The bread is that powerful?"

"That bread…!" Katsura yelled, as he tried to connect the bread to a meaningful pun, "Tart-pan, tarpan, Tarzan! He has become Tarzan!"

"NANYATE?" a bystander in the screaming crowd screamed in a Kansai dialect.

"One of these days, we're going to get sued," Shinpachi sighed, as Tarzan-Hasegawa jumped into the fray, sniffed around for a bit, and ran off into the rubble of the buildings. "And the fanfiction author will be let off scot-free."

Meanwhile on another side of the city…

"How DARE you do this to Sadaharu!" Kagura screamed.

"Nya nya," Tart taunted. "That's what you get for making Tart-pan to begin with!"

"I will not forgive you, Raoh." Kagura murmured, and her voice took on a deeper, almost masculine tone. "You will face the wrath of Yato Shinken."

"What are you talking about? Have you finally gone nuts?" Tart laughed, and then stopped. "What's with that…aura?"

"Uooooooooooo…" Kagura grunted.

"Wait, WAIT YATO KID! FINE YOU WIN! YOU WIN ALREADY, OKAY-" Tart screamed in panic.

…but Kagura was not willing to forgive Tart. "DO …!"

"…" were the sounds that Tart made while being hit with the agonizing brunt of the Yato Hyakuretsuken.

"DO RI !"

"Gah…gah…" Tart grunted. "The Yato Clan's punches are still as demonic as ever, even in a little girl. But even then, you still couldn't break my bones into powder."

"No," Kagura said. "Your bones will turn into even more tart-pan! UOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

"Eh-"

* * *

A/N: Rather than to let this experimental crack fic stew on for a while, I found it better to work on it and try to finish it as soon as possible and on a good note. Hopefully, I'll look back at the old chapters and correct them accordingly.

Honestly, just thinking about swiping my card up the slide, the chapter really improved from my previous chapters after I read some classic manga: 20th Century Boys, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Berserk, and Hokuto no Ken among them. The saying at the beginning, key with Gintama's absurd titles, was inspired by my swiping my college ID up the card slider on my way to the library, instead of down it as most people did. Hope you would swipe your cards up the slide too!

Okita-kun's Noto Desu episode collaboration with _Ichigo 100%_ will be postponed for the time being, so please enjoy yourself while he is busy getting his new series written in _Young Animal_ or some other seinen magazine.

"Look forward to its expansion in another fanfiction. Bye bye." – Okita Sougo on his new series


End file.
